Woody Allen once said he found it distressing to think that contracts were awarded to the lowest bidder. This meant he was living in an apartment built by the lowest bidder. Flying in airplanes built by the lowest bidder.

In a lot of ways this war with Iraq was contracted out to the lowest bidder. Usually when a company can undercut the competition, it's not because of some revolutionary innovation, but simply because the companies lack scruples and will cut corners without regard for human life.

More and more, everyday, Donald Rumsfeld's plan edges closer to a hare brained get rich quick scheme rather than a legitimate war plan.

Tommy Frank's plan catered to the visionary yet pragmatic warmonger. America commits a lot of money, a lot of time, with a lot of men wielding massive firepower and gets all of Iraq before the 2008 elections.

Bush 2 the master strategist. After all what are cowboys? Boys who have jurisdiction over cows. Tommy Franks is not a genius and neither is Rumsfeld, but out of the two, a gnat could intellectually intimidate Bush II. Meaning Rumsfeld got his way and has been very open about his brilliant tactics and managed to assuage the critics.

It's all in a days work for politicians and their critics:

Continue Below.

Continued - Dumb Criminals

Me:
Why so little time for the war Mr. Rumsfeld?

Rumsfeld:
Because nobody likes a long war. Next?

Me:
Why so few men for the war Mr. Rumsfeld?

Rumsfeld:
Because Iraqis won't fight American soldiers. The well meaning, Yankee gun slinger is admired by most foreign troops, contrary to what unpatriotic Americans might have us believe. Special Forces under my command have been dropping leaflets for the last few months, all over southern Iraq in attempt to soften up the Iraqis. Next.

Me:
Why so little money for the war Mr. Rumsfeld?

Rumsfeld:
Because once coalition forces secure the oil wells, the war will start paying for itself. Next.

Me:
Mr. Rumsfeld getting back to your response about the leaflets, could you expand on that?

Rumsfeld:
We have been regularly dropping little notes, you know, little leaflets in the southern part of Iraq. Next.

Me:
What does the note say?

Rumsfeld:
Hands up. In the north which is under Kurdish control, we've been dropping little notes that say, this is a robbery. Next.

Me:
How will the Iraqis respond to these instructions?

Rumsfeld:
They will put their hands up, naturally. Next.

Continue Below.

Continued - Dumb Criminals

Me:
How can you be so sure?

Rumsfeld:
Look, a lot of time has gone into preparing these leaflets. For god's sake, Adam look at the note! The writing goes from right to left, it's Arabic for "Hands up this is a robbery". Next."

Pam:
This is a brilliant tactic sir. Does it tie in with your Shock and Awe campaign?

Rumsfeld:
I'm glad you asked that question Pam. The strategy behind Shock and Awe is simple. We we're going to make a lot of noise. Next.

Adam:
Brilliant sir! What inspired such a heroic plan?

Rumsfeld:
Intelligence sources inside Iraq have informed us that Iraqi people are afraid of loud noises. They also don't faint at the sight of blood. The war is in the bag. In Baghdad, I mean. Ha, ha, ha. After the initial severe bombing, Special Forces already deep inside Iraqi territory will start banging together specially designed pots and pans so loud it's going scare every Iraqi into submission. This, in conjunction with continuous heavy bombing, will prevent any civilian casualties on our side. Next?

Adam:
Sir, how can you be so sure the Iraqis won't fight back?

Rumsfeld:
I've already answered this question. Look Adam, this war plan wasn't just thought up yesterday. Years and years have gone into figuring out a winning strategy. Like I said, we laid out our intentions plain and simple in the leaflets. On some we wrote detailed instructions. For instance on this one, again in Arabic. Incidentally, that was Frank's idea. It's says, when you hear a series of big explosions, and the earth rumbles below your feet, and shrapnel slices off your mother's arm. Drop your weapon and put your hands up. This is a robbery. Next.

Adam:
Sir, I just don't...

Rumsfeld:
Look, Adam, we're talking about Iraqi's who have been oppressed for years. They don't have any food. They don't have normal lives. For the past 12 years they've been robbed blind by Saddam Hussein and his henchmen. A lot of thought has gone into the design of this leaflet. The Iraqi will read the header on the note which says, "Hands up", and think to himself, well that's nothing new. Then he will see the background design. It's a picture of Baghdad. Take a closer look. What do you not see? No pictures of Saddam Hussein anywhere. Sure, this is a robbery, but at least I'm not going to hang my picture everywhere in their country as a continuous reminder. Can you not see the humanity of these precision guided leaflets? Next!

Me:
Sir, our boys in the tenches have come a long way since Operation Shock and Awe. How are the soldiers holding up? Do they have enough pots and pans?

Rumsfeld:
Yes, our boys and girls have enough pots and pans? Regular forces are reinforced in the rear by Special Forces under my command, who have been outfitted with bigger pots and pans. By the time this war is over, everybody in Iraq will need a hearing aid! Next.

End

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